We all have values – they are there, under the surface, reflecting the way we think and impacting our behaviour, but we don’t often give them much thought. We might not know know what they are, or haven’t named them, but we will feel the frustration and friction when we aren’t living from them and don’t even realise that life feels more peaceful, happy and content when we are aligned to them.
What are values?
Our values are the things that are of the highest importance to us, they are an expression of our heart and what is dear to us. Our values are soul territory, so intrinsic to our being that we just operate from them whether we like it or not. You can’t just pick them, they need to be discovered.
By contrast, they are not what society, culture or the media tell us to value or living up to the expectations of others. We can get easily swept along with things in an initial wave of enthusiasm or guilt, thinking that something is the ‘right way to think’ or ‘I must do it this way to be accepted’, but trying to change our behaviour and thinking to ways that aren’t aligned to our core values will only lead to burn-out; it will take a lot of energy to maintain. Have you ever known someone who is desperately trying to perform in job where the business values are colliding with their values? It looks like high-pressure, under-performance and fatigue.
Values are unique
You may be surprised at your values; they are unique to us. One of my values is comfort. Before I went looking for my values I wouldn’t have imagined that this would come up (I guess I was thinking they would be more ‘lofty’) but being comfortable shows up in everything I do from the shoes I choose to they way I interact with my daughter (crouching down for long periods to play with the Duplo is not my idea of fun – hand me a cushion someone!). But I also have a strong value of authenticity. What you see is what you get – I don’t want to show up as anyone else but me, so you’re likely to get full honesty if you ask me how I am!
It’s also important to note that my comfort and authenticity might look very different from your comfort and authenticity. Authenticity to me means being the same person whatever situation I am in and being sincere. Authenticity to someone else might mean speaking their mind and not compromising on what they want.
Why is it important to understand our values?
Knowing our values will ultimately help us to live a life that feels good, that feels like ‘us’. They will help us make good decisions that are right for us and our families and they can anchor us during times of change. The knowledge can help us understand what is going on when friction arises and help find way to resolve any conflict more effectively. They can also be a spring board to dream more fully for the future. It takes a lot of honesty to really get to what makes us tick but it is worth it.
If we live our lives contrary to or ignoring our values we will feel unfulfilled and empty; so resolve today to live more aligned to your values.
How can I start working out my values?
I’ll give you a couple of things to try:
- Notice when you have a strong emotional reaction to something, either positive or negative. The strong positive is likely to come when you are doing something that really aligns to a value or when you see someone else doing something that aligns to that value. Strong negative can show up when you’ve ignored your value and done something anyway (you get frustrated or angry at yourself) or if you see someone do something that directly opposes your value.
- Just take your time and notice in your life when you think you should do something and then you don’t do it. What was the real reason you didn’t do it? Not the excuses or stories we tell ourselves but give yourself time to ponder and contemplate what actually going on. For example, how many people set out to do Couch to 5k and gave up after only a few runs? I don’t believe it’s because they are lazy or because they don’t want to get fitter and value their health so what’s going on there? It might be that they value being with other people and they were trying to do it on their own or they value fun and it just wasn’t enjoyable enough for them?
Let me know how you get on!
Coaching can help you delve deeper into your values, providing a structure to uncover what really matters to you and the accountability to help you align to your values. Find out more about working with me here.
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