I’ve come to realise that a lot of people have very different views about what confidence is and how it shows up. Maybe that’s part of the reason why a lot of us don’t feel confident; essentially confidence is an emotion, a feeling that is unique to each one of us. We cannot look at someone else and become confident like them. It’s vital therefore to understand what our own confidence looks and feels like so we can develop it and recover it when (as it inevitably will) it seems to elude us.
Let me tell you a story
To say my husband is bike mad is an understatement. He used to mountain bike guide in Spain and now works in the bike industry, the current bike count is 4. I, on the other hand, hadn’t been on a bike since I was in primary school. So when we got together I just insisted that that was his hobby and that was OK. But the fact was I was scared and intimidated and didn’t want to stress our relationship by being rubbish and him get annoyed with me for being slow!
Eventually in 2017 I had a re-think, the lure of spending time with Mark doing something he enjoyed seemed more appealing. I’d wasted too much time waiting for him to come home from a long ride, so even though I still had the same fears I now had an incentive to overcome them.
He got me a bike. It was a bit snazzy for my liking and he’d got all the paraphernalia that went along with it (padded leggings – the horror!) which frankly added to my misgivings – all the gear and no idea! We went to the park to try it; I was covered in bruises when we got back from crashing my legs into the peddles. I had ridden it though, albeit very cautiously, the first step on the journey. We then went away for a weekend in the New Forest and I spent a lot of the time still feeling very scared (especially to go downhill) and very much out of my comfort zone. But Mark was patient and I managed to get round most of the routes with a little bit of walking when I really couldn’t take it.
We went on a few more rides that summer but I can’t say I felt relaxed, or really enjoyed any of them although there were moments of happiness and new sense of freedom which I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Then our little girl came along, and I didn’t ride my bike until I was 10 months post-partum. That ride was tough, I forgot how my gears worked, felt incredibly wobbly, unfit and very self-conscious (with a breast feed on an uncomfortable bench halfway too boot!) but we were riding together as a family. And that really was the idea to be together and enjoy our time.
Fast forward 2 years and we go for our first ride of the summer together. I still forget how my gears work but actually, for the first time, I’m off and feeling confident riding the bike. It’s a wonderful feeling and very much worth the rides that came before to get to this point. I have a small dream to ride beside a river in the south of France. I just think it would be a beautiful thing to do and I’m so glad that finally I feel like that might become a reality.
What do I want you to know from this story?
Confidence is Built
Confidence isn’t something that some people have and others don’t. It’s not a switch that is turned on or off. It will come and go with the ups and downs of life, but we can nurture our confidence and focus on a few key areas that will help it grow and stand the test of time.
The process will therefore look different to everyone but I believe there are some key elements to consider if you’re feeling low on confidence:
- Connection and Community
A lack of confidence can come when we feel isolated and alone; ‘I have to do this by myself’ or ‘prove myself’ for this activity (or me) to be successful. But knowing who is in your corner, choosing to listen and believe their words about you might be the key to your success. I think this might be even more important as women, our support network can make a huge difference in our lives. My husband supported me, he wanted me to succeed – it brought him joy too! If he hadn’t encouraged me through those first very rocky rides then I would have given up very quickly. If I’d tried to do it myself without his support – ‘I’ll only ride with you once I feel comfortable’ then I don’t think I would have got past the first couple of rides.
As a side note this is part of why coaching can be so powerful, you have a trusting relationship with someone who is cheering you on and wants you to succeed. It inspires confidence because it is a key element of building confidence, even if you aren’t being coached for your confidence!
- Competence and practice
I hadn’t ridden a bike in over 25 years when I got on it again and I was intimidated by Mark’s 30+ years of experience. We can often compare ourselves and it’s a big killer of confidence and can make us think there isn’t any point in trying. Knowing your stuff can give you a firm platform to stand on. How can you increase your competence or acknowledge your competence, your experience, knowledge and skills and strengths? If you need to increase it where can you do it in a safe environment? I was starting from a pretty low base but I had ridden a bike before and as the saying goes, it’s like riding a bike! Mark has given me lots of pointers along the way which has added to my understanding and knowledge. But ultimately, I just had to try, do it again and again until it felt more natural. I did have do it in public though, which leads me to my next point…
- Get comfortable with imperfection and failure
This is often what puts us off even trying – the fear of embarrassment, of not being good enough to impress the (quite often imaginary) critics. But the truth is we will mess up, not get things right, fall short of our high expectations, fall off even. We need to be more invested in the process rather than the outcome and I know, that is much easier to say than do. It’s a big mindset shift for a lot of us. ‘I want to be someone who enjoys riding their bike’ gives a lot more room for growth than a closed mind-set of ‘I have to ride my bike well to enjoy it’. There are plenty of times along this journey when I’ve had to walk or stopped awkwardly scraping my shins on the pedals, they didn’t feel good but overall these instances do not outweigh the benefits and anyone who saw has been sympathetic – people are generally nice!
- Courage and Risk
At some you will need to take a risk and just do it, there is no getting over it. How many times have you found that the anticipation of the event was much worse than actually doing it? this has always been my experience. If we engage our courage and take the plunge after doing all of the above then good things will happen. The more we take little or big risks the more our confidence will be built. If we have done the ground work, built our competence, connected with our supporters and have a mindset that allows for error then the risk and the courage we need to find to take the step will not feel as big as if we try to do it all ourselves, aren’t prepared or ready and want to do everything perfectly!
How can you put these into practice in your life today? I’d love to hear how you get on in the comments!
For more confidence tips and advice check out my Confidence Boost Workshop which goes into more depth on these pillars and much more!
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