4 Keys to Develop your Confidence

I’ve come to realise that a lot of people have very different views about what confidence is and how it shows up. Maybe that’s part of the reason why a lot of us don’t feel confident; essentially confidence is an emotion, a feeling that is unique to each one of us. We cannot look at someone else and become confident like them. It’s vital therefore to understand what our own confidence looks and feels like so we can develop it and recover it when (as it inevitably will) it seems to elude us.

Let me tell you a story

To say my husband is bike mad is an understatement. He used to mountain bike guide in Spain and now works in the bike industry, the current bike count is 4. I, on the other hand, hadn’t been on a bike since I was in primary school. So when we got together I just insisted that that was his hobby and that was OK. But the fact was I was scared and intimidated and didn’t want to stress our relationship by being rubbish and him get annoyed with me for being slow!  

Eventually in 2017 I had a re-think, the lure of spending time with Mark doing something he enjoyed seemed more appealing. I’d wasted too much time waiting for him to come home from a long ride, so even though I still had the same fears I now had an incentive to overcome them.

He got me a bike. It was a bit snazzy for my liking and he’d got all the paraphernalia that went along with it (padded leggings – the horror!) which frankly added to my misgivings – all the gear and no idea! We went to the park to try it; I was covered in bruises when we got back from crashing my legs into the peddles. I had ridden it though, albeit very cautiously, the first step on the journey. We then went away for a weekend in the New Forest and I spent a lot of the time still feeling very scared (especially to go downhill) and very much out of my comfort zone. But Mark was patient and I managed to get round most of the routes with a little bit of walking when I really couldn’t take it.

We went on a few more rides that summer but I can’t say I felt relaxed, or really enjoyed any of them although there were moments of happiness and new sense of freedom which I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Then our little girl came along, and I didn’t ride my bike until I was 10 months post-partum. That ride was tough, I forgot how my gears worked, felt incredibly wobbly, unfit and very self-conscious (with a breast feed on an uncomfortable bench halfway too boot!) but we were riding together as a family. And that really was the idea to be together and enjoy our time.

Fast forward 2 years and we go for our first ride of the summer together. I still forget how my gears work but actually, for the first time, I’m off and feeling confident riding the bike. It’s a wonderful feeling and very much worth the rides that came before to get to this point. I have a small dream to ride beside a river in the south of France. I just think it would be a beautiful thing to do and I’m so glad that finally I feel like that might become a reality.  

What do I want you to know from this story?

Confidence is Built

Confidence isn’t something that some people have and others don’t. It’s not a switch that is turned on or off. It will come and go with the ups and downs of life, but we can nurture our confidence and focus on a few key areas that will help it grow and stand the test of time.

The process will therefore look different to everyone but I believe there are some key elements to consider if you’re feeling low on confidence:

  • Connection and Community

A lack of confidence can come when we feel isolated and alone; ‘I have to do this by myself’ or ‘prove myself’ for this activity (or me) to be successful. But knowing who is in your corner, choosing to listen and believe their words about you might be the key to your success. I think this might be even more important as women, our support network can make a huge difference in our lives. My husband supported me, he wanted me to succeed – it brought him joy too! If he hadn’t encouraged me through those first very rocky rides then I would have given up very quickly. If I’d tried to do it myself without his support – ‘I’ll only ride with you once I feel comfortable’ then I don’t think I would have got past the first couple of rides.

As a side note this is part of why coaching can be so powerful, you have a trusting relationship with someone who is cheering you on and wants you to succeed. It inspires confidence because it is a key element of building confidence, even if you aren’t being coached for your confidence!

  • Competence and practice

I hadn’t ridden a bike in over 25 years when I got on it again and I was intimidated by Mark’s 30+ years of experience. We can often compare ourselves and it’s a big killer of confidence and can make us think there isn’t any point in trying. Knowing your stuff can give you a firm platform to stand on. How can you increase your competence or acknowledge your competence, your experience, knowledge and skills and strengths? If you need to increase it where can you do it in a safe environment? I was starting from a pretty low base but I had ridden a bike before and as the saying goes, it’s like riding a bike! Mark has given me lots of pointers along the way which has added to my understanding and knowledge. But ultimately, I just had to try, do it again and again until it felt more natural. I did have do it in public though, which leads me to my next point…

  • Get comfortable with imperfection and failure

This is often what puts us off even trying – the fear of embarrassment, of not being good enough to impress the (quite often imaginary) critics. But the truth is we will mess up, not get things right, fall short of our high expectations, fall off even. We need to be more invested in the process rather than the outcome and I know, that is much easier to say than do. It’s a big mindset shift for a lot of us. ‘I want to be someone who enjoys riding their bike’ gives a lot more room for growth than a closed mind-set of ‘I have to ride my bike well to enjoy it’. There are plenty of times along this journey when I’ve had to walk or stopped awkwardly scraping my shins on the pedals, they didn’t feel good but overall these instances do not outweigh the benefits and anyone who saw has been sympathetic – people are generally nice!  

  • Courage and Risk

At some you will need to take a risk and just do it, there is no getting over it. How many times have you found that the anticipation of the event was much worse than actually doing it? this has always been my experience. If we engage our courage and take the plunge after doing all of the above then good things will happen. The more we take little or big risks the more our confidence will be built. If we have done the ground work, built our competence, connected with our supporters and have a mindset that allows for error then the risk and the courage we need to find to take the step will not feel as big as if we try to do it all ourselves, aren’t prepared or ready and want to do everything perfectly!

How can you put these into practice in your life today? I’d love to hear how you get on in the comments!

For more confidence tips and advice check out my Confidence Boost Workshop which goes into more depth on these pillars and much more!

Let’s Talk About Values

We all have values – they are there, under the surface, reflecting the way we think and impacting our behaviour, but we don’t often give them much thought. We might not know know what they are, or haven’t named them, but we will feel the frustration and friction when we aren’t living from them and don’t even realise that life feels more peaceful, happy and content when we are aligned to them.

What are values?

Our values are the things that are of the highest importance to us, they are an expression of our heart and what is dear to us. Our values are soul territory, so intrinsic to our being that we just operate from them whether we like it or not. You can’t just pick them, they need to be discovered.

By contrast, they are not what society, culture or the media tell us to value or living up to the expectations of others. We can get easily swept along with things in an initial wave of enthusiasm or guilt, thinking that something is the ‘right way to think’ or ‘I must do it this way to be accepted’, but trying to change our behaviour and thinking to ways that aren’t aligned to our core values will only lead to burn-out; it will take a lot of energy to maintain. Have you ever known someone who is desperately trying to perform in job where the business values are colliding with their values? It looks like high-pressure, under-performance and fatigue.    

Values are unique

You may be surprised at your values; they are unique to us. One of my values is comfort. Before I went looking for my values I wouldn’t have imagined that this would come up (I guess I was thinking they would be more ‘lofty’) but being comfortable shows up in everything I do from the shoes I choose to they way I interact with my daughter (crouching down for long periods to play with the Duplo is not my idea of fun – hand me a cushion someone!). But I also have a strong value of authenticity. What you see is what you get – I don’t want to show up as anyone else but me, so you’re likely to get full honesty if you ask me how I am!

It’s also important to note that my comfort and authenticity might look very different from your comfort and authenticity. Authenticity to me means being the same person whatever situation I am in and being sincere. Authenticity to someone else might mean speaking their mind and not compromising on what they want.

Why is it important to understand our values?

Knowing our values will ultimately help us to live a life that feels good, that feels like ‘us’. They will help us make good decisions that are right for us and our families and they can anchor us during times of change. The knowledge can help us understand what is going on when friction arises and help find way to resolve any conflict more effectively. They can also be a spring board to dream more fully for the future. It takes a lot of honesty to really get to what makes us tick but it is worth it.

If we live our lives contrary to or ignoring our values we will feel unfulfilled and empty; so resolve today to live more aligned to your values.

How can I start working out my values?

I’ll give you a couple of things to try:

  1. Notice when you have a strong emotional reaction to something, either positive or negative. The strong positive is likely to come when you are doing something that really aligns to a value or when you see someone else doing something that aligns to that value. Strong negative can show up when you’ve ignored your value and done something anyway (you get frustrated or angry at yourself) or if you see someone do something that directly opposes your value.
  2. Just take your time and notice in your life when you think you should do something and then you don’t do it. What was the real reason you didn’t do it? Not the excuses or stories we tell ourselves but give yourself time to ponder and contemplate what actually going on. For example, how many people set out to do Couch to 5k and gave up after only a few runs? I don’t believe it’s because they are lazy or because they don’t want to get fitter and value their health so what’s going on there? It might be that they value being with other people and they were trying to do it on their own or they value fun and it just wasn’t enjoyable enough for them?

Let me know how you get on!

Coaching can help you delve deeper into your values, providing a structure to uncover what really matters to you and the accountability to help you align to your values. Find out more about working with me here.

Why Passion Matters

Passion – I confess I’m a little cautious about writing this because I know it can be a divisive topic. The inspirational quotes telling you to follow your dreams and do what you love are wonderful sentiments but we live in the real world, right? Is it just a fantasy that everyone is passionate about something?

So if you’ve come to this article thinking ‘I’m just not a passionate person, nothing really excites me that much’ then believe me you are not alone! I absolutely was with you up to a few years ago – working in a role that didn’t excite me (although there were bits that were OK), I really didn’t know what I wanted and what I really enjoyed. This is the experience of so many of us and we can look at the people who somehow have found their ‘thing’ in life and are making it work and feel like we don’t measure up or we’ll never experience that fulfilment.  

Negative experiences and culture can cause us to supress feelings of joy and excitement and even tell us that indulging in what we love is ‘wrong’ or ‘selfish’.

  • Was there a time when someone belittled you or told you to pipe down when you were expressing yourself freely making you feel ashamed?
  • Did you have parents who steered you away from a path you wanted to pursue because they were concerned it wasn’t ‘safe’ enough?
  • Did you have teachers or even a school culture that promoted particular subjects and devalued others?
  • Have you tried to follow your dreams and failed leaving you feeling totally devastated?

All these things can cause us to bury what we delight in and just plough on through life. We may find happiness and contentment along the way but there will always be a nagging sense that we are missing something.

It’s true that some people are naturally (and nurtured to be) more passionate in terms of feelings and giving themselves to those feeling than others. But I truly believe that everyone has passions – it might just look very different. It might look like technology or numbers or data. I could look like talking to the homeless or reading to the elderly. It might look like comics or organising or family history!

  • When have you ever felt in ‘the flow’ whilst doing an activity?
  • What are you drawn to more than others?
  • What would make you sad if you never got to do it again?  

Sometimes our passions are there and can be seen in our childhood and other times we might discover something later in life that just really hits the spot and makes our heart sing – have you even found it yet?

Now, what I’m not advocating is that everyone can make a living from what they are passionate about, it might simply not be possible. But making room for them in your life has many benefits including better mental health and wellbeing. I saw a wonderful clip on TV the other day about a singer who also loved to paint and she was painting a picture of her father who is a bus driver. At the end of the clip the singer was interviewed and she revealed that her father was also a talented sculptor.  His passion for sculpting had inspired her and given rise to her creativity in music and art. He wasn’t making his living from it, but he made room in his life for his passion and his passion’s legacy was seen in his daughter who was making her living from her passions.

So why is passion so important? The things we love are the key to a fulfilled life, a life well lived. Passions are a wonderful signpost to our purpose (the reason we are on this planet or what we can contribute) and even if we can’t survive on our passions alone, giving them higher priority in our life will bring us joy, hope and satisfaction.

Coaching is a wonderful way to re-connect to the things you love as a way of moving forward to a more fulfilling future. Find out more about working with me here.